


Being Drunk Is A Lot Like Being In Love

by Gildedmuse



Category: Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
Genre: Drunken Kissing, Drunken sex, Earth Is Still Around, Guide Entry, Just A Whole Lot Of Drunkenness, M/M, Mild Smut, One Shot, Pre-Canon, The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy Has This To Say About Unbeta'd Fic...., but not for long
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-30
Updated: 2019-04-30
Packaged: 2020-02-10 04:44:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,953
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18653149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gildedmuse/pseuds/Gildedmuse
Summary: Arthur wasn't quite sure why he was friends with Ford, but after a party he decided he liked it that way.





	Being Drunk Is A Lot Like Being In Love

**Author's Note:**

> [Originally posted to LJ in 2006 at a friend's request for some smutty Arthur/Ford, making it one of my later HHGttG works.]

**Being Drunk Is A** **Lot** **Like Being In Love**

Early editions of the Guide had this to say on being in love:  
  
_Being in love_ , it stated,  _is a lot like being drunk_. It then went onto explain.  
  
_At the beginning of the night you go out to the local pub, bar, swamp, or school yard depending on the planet you happen to be on at the time with the intention of getting a drink, meeting up with a few friends, and in general having a good time. Drinks are ordered and passed around, and after a few, things start to look different. Fuzzy and warm if you're having that kind of drink or, if you're drinking a Meliph 7-8, you don't see anything at all since it was originally bred on the planet of Uemua where staring at the female of the species can send the men into an instant and possibly fatal coma. The point is, for the first few drinks everything is going along just great. Then someone talks you into having a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster and everything (including your liver) goes to hell._  
  
_That_ , the Guide entry says,  _is marriage_.  
  
This entry was removed once the Guide chief editor's wife got wind of exactly who wrote it.  
  
*  
  
"Being drunk," Ford Prefect, who would currently know exactly what being drunk was like, said as he stumbled down the street from the pub to his apartment. "Being drunk is a lot like being in love."  
  
"Yes," Arthur Dent said. Arthur was a young ape descendant from the planet Earth, although in his current job at a radio station, he did very little tree-climbing or flea-picking. He considered himself a fairly reasonable man with whom the Earth liked to play unreasonable jokes. He wouldn't usually agree to the sort of things Ford said when he's drunk, only at the moment he was only half-listening to his friend's babble as he tried to carry most of Ford's weight as well as a good portion of his own. In the last year he'd become strangely accustomed to his friend's drunken rambles and this, like planes being preciously on time or finding money in his pockets he wasn't previously aware of, made him nervous more than anything else. "Yes, I suppose it is."  
  
"It is!" Ford exclaimed, stumbling a bit more and patting Arthur on the chest as he did so to try and make it look like a purposeful maneuver. "I mean, being drunk is like... Well, you're not going to get one that way." This last part was not said to Arthur, but rather to a beaten looking man on the side of the street. He was holding a cardboard box with the words 'Al iens Are Comming' painted on the side. Ford looked at this and shook his head, tisking softly. "If you can find some, tell them I need a ride home."  
  
Arthur, sensible and mostly sober, hurried to lead Ford away. "Err... Do you want a taxi?"  
  
Ford was, of course, not thinking of a taxi, which is a car humans often pay so that they will drive them somewhere so that they can walk around bored for a while and then pay to have it take them back to the place they were bored before. Ford was thinking of a flying saucer, preferable a Betelgeuse cargo ship, as they were almost certain to pick up a stranded hitchhiker. Ford had been stuck on Earth for ten years now, which even most Earthlings agree is a long time to be stuck on the planet. His answer to this, as was Ford's answer to most things, was simple. Get drunk.  
  
Right now, Ford was very much so drunk. He frowns a bit, wondering why Arthur's arm is around his waist. Wonder why his feet don't seem to agree with his mind on where to step. Wondering, most importantly, how long it will be until he can get drunk again. "What had I been saying before?"  
  
"About UFOs?" Arthur asks asked, again only half paying attention. Much more important is trying to walk upright while Ford is leaning over him. He wasn't entirely sure how he ended up being the one in charge of taking Ford home again. This seemed to be happening more and more often every time he went out with friends and Ford was there. He wondered, vaguely, if they might have planned this and quickly shook the thought away as being paranoid.  
  
"No..." Ford was pretty sure it hadn't been about them, but he had been thinking about those a lot. It was, he thought, something about drinking. "Right!" he said very suddenly, nearly sending him and Arthur stumbling to the sidewalk. "Drinking is like love." He beamed at Arthur, very excited that he had remembered this little gem. He was quite aware that memory at all in his current state was something to be proud of.  
  
"In which case, you are a polygamist," Arthur said, also rather proud of himself as he thought this was quite clever and felt that perhaps if Ford had been sober, he would have appreciated the humor. As it was, Ford just nodded a bit, which didn't help either of the two in trying to keep their balance.  
  
"Polyandric, actually," Ford said quite simply. "Very common outside the, uh... What is this again? Yes, Earth. Very, very common." He nods nodded a bit more, and Arthur was more annoyed by this than the babbling Ford was doing. "See, what happens is you get two guys together, right? And they... You know they're buddies and they mess around sometimes, sure, but they also help each other. Learn off each other and all of that. Pair-Bonds, Earth calls them I think, when they see them in dolphins."  
  
"I just got a letter," Arthur said, squinting down at the sidewalk to watch his next step. It looked steady enough, so he tried moving forward. "To save the dolphins."  
  
"The dolphins don't need saving," Ford answered, and this was entire true. It was a well known fact to the outside universe that the species of underwater mammals on Earth called dolphins were much more intelligent than the dominate dominant ape-descendants It was not widely known which of Earth's species was, in fact, the most intelligent. Not even by a research of the top-selling book in the universe, and the only one that could get you around time and space for less than thirty Altairin dollars. "And if they did, you wouldn't be the ones the needed to do it."  
  
"Well, I guess not..." Arthur said, furrowing his brow a bit and frowning. He wondered if Ford was right, or if this was just more drunken babble from his eccentric out-of-work actor friend. If he was right, Arthur wondered if he could ask them not to cash the check he sent them, seeing as he might need that money for aspirin in the morning.  
  
Ford nodded, they stumbled a bit, and the two kept walking towards Arthur's house. Ford even stayed quiet for a few minutes, but after a while the alcohol hit his brain and he remembered, somewhat shakily, that humans aren't really supposed to be all that quiet for long periods of time for reasons he had yet to completely discover although he's sure, like most human reasoning, it wouldn't make much sense when he did. "We should pair bond," he announced after the pints he'd drowned at the bar manage to untangle his own logic.  
  
He'd been thinking about hinting at bonding with Arthur for a while because despite being incredible dull and more than occasionally dense, Arthur very rarely laughed at him when he talked about flying? saucers and the like. Ford wasn't a typical Betelgeusian by any standards and had never actually tried pair bonding with someone since high school, and that had been Zaphod's idea. Earth was the closest he'd ever gotten to settling down, though, and the longer he was trapped on this small, back water excuse for a planet the more he longed for something to remind him of Betelgeuse's blue-white marca fields, or the builds that were shape vaguely the Earth food called artichokes. It made him want to celebrate the honorary festival of the Hrung that collapsed on his own world, or play that game in the school yard that Zaphod always talked him into and always ended with Ford getting beaten up. Mainly, though, it made him want to get drunk and have sex.   
  
This time it is Arthur who stumbled. "Excuse me!" he asked with that voice Ford is proud to say he knew meant he had somehow made an indecent proposal out of what would be a perfectly normal statement anywhere else in the galaxy. He looked over at Arthur, trying to narrow it down to just two of him. He knew that humans had a weird way at looking at partnerships and sexuality, but since he was drunk, he couldn't really take this into account as for why Arthur was acting so uptight. Ford thought it was quite nice for him to offer, really, seeing as Arthur was, as far as he could see, in great need of sex. He decided to tell Arthur this. "You are in great need of sex." Ford figured this would clear up any problems Arthur might have with the situation.  
  
"Well, I guess, but I really - UMPH!" That final noise is the one Arthur made when he was shoved roughly against the nearest wall and had Ford's tongue in his mouth. His first reaction was surprise that his friend had enough coordination to grab his shirt, throw him against a wall and kiss him without falling flat on his face. His second and much more prevailing thought was that Ford shouldn't be able to do that with his tongue.  
  
Really, Arthur thought as Ford kisses him, it's not that unusual. He knew a couple of blokes that experimented in college with this sort of thing and ended up just fine. Arthur had never done much of anything in college, so maybe this is just the world's way of letting him make that time up. Also, Ford was doing a really good job at kissing him at the moment, and Arthur really was, as Ford had said, in great need of sex. He decided that he should let Ford kiss him.  
  
Ford decided Arthur was still wearing far too many clothes for what he planned to do to him. He was starting to wish he hadn't had that last drink, because maybe then he'd be able to get his fingers still enough to get Arthur out of these pants. Why, he wondered as Arthur finally started to kiss back with a moan into Ford's mouth, do Earthlings even need clothes, anyway? There are some species that need clothes to keep their insides from falling out or, in rare cases, their outsides from falling in. Humans aren't one of these species, but they have managed to create some clothes that are upsettingly difficult to strip off when one is drunk. Arthur, Ford decided as the human wrapped his arms around Ford and pull him clothes, hips rubbing up against each other through these annoying pants, should never wear clothes.  
  
Arthur had a different opinion, clearly, because once Ford managed to get that nasty button undone, he was pulling away, making small sounds of protests and pushing at Ford's chest. "We're in public!" he exclaimed. Ford cocked his head slightly. Between the beer and the quickly approaching sex, he couldn't see the problem except for maybe the wall he shoved Arthur into was too rough for him. "We can't... We're in public," Arthur repeated, privately hoping that saying it a few times will get his body to stop reacting so feverishly to having Ford pressed up against him. There is a sensible, proper side of him, a side that had told him on many occasions that being friends with Ford was a lot like being at a college party in that everyone but the people in the party seem to realize how stupid they are being. Being friends with Ford was a little like being drunk.  
  
"So..." Ford says slowly, flashing Arthur the sort of smile that makes people grimace and correctly think that Ford isn't an ape descendant at all, because apes very rarely made people feel as though they were about to be swallowed whole. Arthur's hand goes to protect his jugular on instinct. "We'll go to your place, and we'll have sex there." He thought this was a pretty brilliant solution, since Arthur would not be in public, as he seemed to be adverse to that at the moment, and Ford would be able to get him in bed and naked, which he was very much so not adverse to at the moment.  
  
"Err...." Arthur paused and tried to figure out exactly how much trouble he was about to get himself into and if he could use being drunk as an excuse if he regretted it in the morning. "I guess-"  
  
"Good," Ford said, not giving time for Arthur to think it over, as he was quite aware how dangerous letting humans think could be. So he grabbed Arthur by the shirt and started dragging him towards his house, humming a small tune and knowing he made the right choice in an Earth pairing. He even managed to get the home with only one incident of asking a police man if he happened to have spotted any nice flying saucers this evening.  
  
*  
  
"Ow!" Arthur did not like awkward things, things that hurt, things that might hurt, awkward moments that lead to hurt, and this was pretty much all of them. Especially when Ford threw him back against the bed and Arthur's back hits hit the not-so-soft mattress with a loud crack. He sat up, mildly dazed from all the kissing he and Ford had been doing, and started rubbing the small spot where he'd hit the bed particularly hard. "Ford, that-"  
  
Arthur was again cut off be Ford's tongue, and this time Ford's body as well as it pinned him back against the mattress. This time, he didn't complain. Especially when Ford started rubbing up against him, his legs running up and down Arthur's as his mouth kept him properly distracted until a thigh was pressing up against him through his jeans. Arthur opened his eyes with a loud moan, looking down at Ford and surprised to find his clothes missing. "Ford, you're - oh." Ford's hand slipped beneath his jeans, yanking down the side and he made his intention to get Arthur's clothes off as quickly as possible perfectly clear.  
  
Since Ford's palm was rubbing against him and his tongue was in Arthur ear making him moan and very eager, he let Ford kick his jeans away. He wasn't even sure by now why he'd been wearing pants in the first place. Clothes, Arthur realized, were keeping Ford from kissing down his chest, tongue curling around a nipple as a hand stroke down his stomach. "Mm..." Arthur moaned, because the way Ford's hands were running over his body it was quickly becoming impossible not to moan. "Ford are you... Oh, God - " That would be Ford's hand doing things Arthur knew couldn't be completely legal, and it was doing those things to him, and it felt better than being drunk. Far better than the things Arthur did to himself some mornings in the shower. "Are you sure we should be..."  
  
Ford hoped Arthur would stop talking soon. He was much more interested in Arthur's body at the moment then anything he had to say. Like the way the human tasted so salty. Not so much like that time they were at the beach and Ford drank some of the seawater (an honest mistake) and got sick. A pleasant taste, though, and Ford kept lapping at his skin. He could feel Arthur trying to collect his breath again to talk. "Ford, maybe we - Oh..." Ford was finding it fairly easy to make Arthur moan. Just drag his nail over the tip of his erection and ghost his fingers down the length and he could get him to stop thinking. Of course, just because he wasn't thinking didn't mean he wasn't talking.  
  
Arthur, panting and quickly running out of reasons why they shouldn't be doing this, tried one last time. Mostly out of hopes that he could bring these points up in the morning to prove his own heterosexuality. "Ford, I think - "  
  
"Arthur, is your jaw going to fall off if you stop talking?" Ford asked, sitting up and reaching down to grab his ever-present bag. Arthur eyes it suspiciously, wondering if he had said too much and Ford was going to stop now. For all his protesting, he was quite hoping Ford would stay.  
  
"Err... I don't suppose so. No," Arthur decided, watching Ford pull a towel out of his bag. "Ford, why do you - Omph!" That is the sound a human makes when that quite suddenly fond themselves being gagged with a towel. Ford found this noise quite enjoyable and his smile showed as much.  
  
"There now," Ford said, grabbing Arthur's wrists and pinning them above his head. He smiled down at Arthur, that one that usually makes people nervous for sake of their neck, but Arthur couldn't do anything about it at the moment. He was too busy biting into the towel and moaning as his hips rocked up against Ford's. "Perfect." With the talking taken care of, Ford went back to tasting Arthur's chest.  
  
Once Ford was licking his stomach, he let go of Arthur's hand. He really should have torn the towel out of his mouth since he had no idea where it had been (if he had known where Ford's towel had been included in the bath at the private spaceship of Eccentrica Gallumbits the Triple-Breasted Whore Of Eroticon Six, he probably would have had to have much more to drink). Instead of smartly removing the towel, Arthur grabbed his friend's shoulders, wiggling and pushing up against him until Ford's mouth went where he wanted it.  
  
Even with the towel in his mouth, Arthur managed to scream pretty loudly.  
  
Ford's tongue wrapped around the head of Arthur's cock, sucking around him as he took the human into his mouth. This part of Arthur he really enjoyed tasting, Ford decided. In fact, his drunk mind added as he bobbed his head around Arthur's lap, ignoring the way the human's finger nails were scrapping along his back, he should write a Guide entry on this. That, he thought, was a really good idea.  
  
Above him, Arthur wasn't thinking at all. If he was thinking, it was about how Ford's tongue had to be magical, because there was no way he should be able to do that. It felt amazing, though, so Arthur wasn't about to complain. He didn't even say anything when a slick finger pressed up against him, and when had Ford even managed to get lube when his mouth was busy? That was another thing his mind decided not to think about, and instead concentrated on how the back of Ford's throat was closing tight around him, or how his mouth felt almost too hot as he hollowed his cheeks around Arthur.  
  
The stretch is odd, and Arthur wondered if it was supposed to hurt a little. It didn't seem right to him to have Ford's fingers up there. His friend's mouth around his cock was keeping him from questioning it too much, though, and by the time Ford added a second finger Arthur was simply happy to go with anything so long as he did that with his tongue again. Ford did in fact do that with his tongue again, at the same time that he curled his fingers just enough that Arthur screams again, bucking off the bed and biting hard down on the towel. It tasted a little bit like an erotic bubble bath. He didn't care.  
  
Just when Arthur was pretty sure this night would finally be going right for him, Ford pulled back. Arthur looked down at him, trying to talk before he remembered he had a towel shoved between his teeth. Ford flashed that smile again, grabbing Arthur's wrists and holding them back in place. Arthur muttered something into the towel, and it was a good thing it was there because he was fairly certain what he tried to say didn't actually make any sense.  
  
Ford kept smiling, one hand wrapping around Arthur's waist and pulling the human up against him. He watched Arthur's eye go wide, but the other man didn't try to pull away. He smiled again and for once Arthur didn't want to cover his neck, which is good because the next moment that was exactly what Ford went for.  
  
He nipped at Arthur's neck, the taste of his skin now? a lot weaker to Ford's senses. That really wasn't the sense he was thinking about right then, anyway. What he was thinking about was the way Arthur felt as he started to push into him. The way he wiggled and pushed back and tightened and made these small whimpers behind the towel. Yes, he decided, this can definitely go into the Guide. Maybe he can could talk Arthur into letting him take a photograph for it as well, even if it weren't strictly necessary.  
  
Arthur's teeth ground into the soft fabric of the towel, mewling against it as Ford thrust into him. He went slowly at first, not wanting the human to tear himself away. He was quite sure that right now, his own hand wouldn't do and he really wanted to keep Arthur under him. Luckily, Arthur seemed to actually enjoy this. At least he was if the moans were any sign. Ford, panting against his shoulder, stopped repeating some of the lines from Godspell he had in his satchel to go with his out-of-work actor persona and started moving at Arthur's insistence. He grabbed the human's hips, thrusting back into him as Arthur arched forward against Ford until their bodies start moving together in a messy, rough rhythm.  
  
Arthur soon found himself screaming into the towel, nails scraping down Ford's shoulders as he continued rocking up against his friend. Ford held tighter to Arthur, moaning into his shoulder as he came. He rolled off Arthur, landing on his back beside him in bed. "If I weren't drunk," he said, eyes already falling closed. "I would want to do that again."  
  
Arthur felt as though his entire body was wrapped in a soft warm glow, although thankfully not the sort that causes cancer. He nodded at what Ford said, half in agreement but mostly because he was in that post-orgasm haze in which he would have nodded at anything. Even in his current state, Ford seemed at least partly aware of this. He rolled back onto his side, tossing a hand over Arthur's stomach and nuzzling up to him. "I'm glad we did this."  
  
"Mmphuff," he said and then, after removing the towel, "Err.... Me too." Arthur closed his eyes. His still mostly incoherent thoughts managed to get through long enough to point out that if he stayed awake much longer he would panic, and if he panicked there was a chance that Ford would leave, and he didn't want that.  
  
"If I ever find a way off this planet," Ford muttered as he fell asleep, more from the alcohol than anything else. "I'll take you with me."  
  
"Yes," Arthur yawned, not yet comprehending exactly what he was agreeing to. "Please, do."


End file.
